My First Bay to Breakers: A Bizarre Journey

On Sunday, I went to my first Bay-to-Breakers in San Francisco with extremely high hopes. For those who are unaware, Bay-to-Breakers is ostensibly a 12K race through San Francisco, but it's primarily known for the massive drunken walking parade that follows the racers through the city. "It's the most fun you'll ever have in San Francisco," one of my friends said. Another told me, "James, it'll be one of the most fun times of your entire life." After living through it, I'm not sure either of those statements are accurate for me, but I will say that I'm better off from going. In fact, even though I didn't have as much fun as previously promised (it wasn't bad overall, but it didn't live up to the hype), I did glean some useful lessons from the day. I call these 'My Five Bay-to-Breakers Lessons':

1) In a departure from conventional wisdom, I learned that it's acceptable (and even laudable) to take candy from strangers in certain circumstances. In the case of Bay-to-Breakers, by 'candy' I mean 'beer,' and by 'strangers,' I mean anybody with a pulse. It was a lesson learned early and applied with hearty vigor throughout the day.

2) Beautiful cities are not meant to be used as giant public restrooms. Port-o-potties may have been created by God to save us from the horrors of public urination, but alas, the Lord must have gotten tired of making port-o-potties for San Francisco a bit too early because there were only about 40 available for a crowd of 100,000. I hold the event's organizers responsible for the massive shortfall in bathroom facilities. As punishment, I demand that the organizers stand in the back of a long bathroom line for hours, only to have the toilet clog when it is their turn, sending them to the back of another bathroom line. Such a Sisyphean punishment would surely cause the number of port-o-potties at last year's event to skyrocket.

3) Random naked people are rather unpleasant, despite rumors to the contrary. In the throes of Keystone Light-driven ecstasy, one might think, "Wow, lots of naked people- how liberating and fun!" But it doesn't feel liberating to see many naked people wandering around, as I did on Sunday. It feels uncomfortable, slightly disturbing, and even vaguely nauseating, particularly since the naked people walking around aren't generally built anything like Adonis or Helen of Troy, to say the least. So, word to the wise: keep your clothes on unless somebody has specifically asked you to take them off. I have abided by this maxim successfully for years, and the world is undoubtedly a better place for it.

4) You can run from fatigue with the help of energy drinks, but you can't escape it for long. To get to Bay-to-Breakers from the Valley, I arose from my approximately 3-hour-long slumber around 6:30 AM to catch a train leaving between 7:00 and 7:30 AM. Between waking up and climbing onto the train, I drank a Java Monster energy drink. Roughly half an hour later, my hands were shaking, my heart was beating rapidly, and I felt like I could run the 12K Bay-to-Breakers race with a 5 min/mile pace. It was a euphoric feeling similar to that of getting off a Southwest Airlines flight after landing at Chicago Midway airport without crashing and bursting into flames. An hour later, while walking toward the race, my physical state took a turn for the worse. Without any prior warning, the back of my head started to throb, as if someone had smacked me in the back of the head with a brick a few hours earlier. My eyes became photosensitive, and my eyelids began closing involuntarily. In less than two hours, I went from unconsciousness to minimal consciousness to freakish hyperactivity to minimal consciousness again. Was my fleeting escape from fatigue courtesy of the Java Monster worth it? Given the post-hyperactive crash, I don't think I would have consumed that Java Monster again. If I may digress, though, the Java Monster was delicious, particularly for an energy drink. Get one from your local supermarket if you have a few bucks to spend and the desire to feel like Steve Ballmer at a Microsoft developer's conference for an hour or so (for those who don't get that reference, search for 'Steve Ballmer developers' on YouTube and watch every video returned. It's worth it.)

5) Don't take the Caltrain to any major events in San Francisco if you can help it. Seriously. I love public transportation in general because it's good for the environment and generally pretty affordable. That being said, imagine how jellybeans feel when they are crammed into a jar. Or imagine how those 20-odd clowns feel when they're stuffed into a tiny car in the classic 'clowns in a tiny car' circus trick you may remember from when clowns didn't scare the bejesus out of you. Such arrangements sound delightfully spacious when compared to my trip south from San Francisco on the Caltrain. Due to the extremely cramped arrangement in the car, which involved about 100 bodies fitting into a space made for around 30, I may or may not have been accidentally violated by a rotund 35 year old man, a 19 year old blonde woman who wore a hat that could double for a red frisbee , and a rather pleasant golden retriever named 'Jackie' who seemed blissfully unaware of her owner's frustration at the situation. For the next big San Francisco event, I suggest finding alternative transportation options or taking a ludicrously early or late train, if you have no other choices.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that. Feel free to leave your own Bay-to-Breakers lesson or insight in the comments section, if you have one or more.

Blogging you in a way that makes you say "Oh yeah, that's nice, that's the spot,"

Valley J